A 20-year old’s note!

I turned 20 a week ago. But somehow, this year everything was different. Right from having to write an exam on my birthday, to having my friends over for my birthday party, from surprise gifts to heart-touching poems; it was a short but memorable celebration.

But to me, this birthday held more meaning than blowing candles on the cake or partying hard like it was the last day of my life. To me, this birthday was more about celebrating myself. It was about the self-acceptance that I never had before. It took 20 years and 19 birthdays before I learnt to embrace myself, my life and my choices.

I know not what brought about this sudden wave of realization. Maybe it was the result of the ripples, the ripples that are formed when people throw stones at you, when they mock you and break you, when they guffaw at your plight, when you see them rejoicing about your failures. I made mistakes, tons of them. But the biggest one, I think, was to fall prey to the world around. They kept judging me, making me the object of scorn. They rejoiced when I cried out in pain, blaming me for all that has happened in my life. They savored schadenfreude.

Today, when I look back at the past- at those 20 years of my life that define me- I wish I had stood up for myself, for my rights and my choices. I wish I had screamed by lungs out, shutting out their voices. I wish I had found a confidant to share my grief with. If nothing else, I wish I had shown the courage to pick up the quill and let my emotions flow into words. But alas! Like every other troubled teenager, I didn’t do any of those. All I did was succumb to the pressure around, to accept defeat and hate myself.

I started looking at the world and my life from their perspective. Every single thing was centered on others in my life. I needed their approval and acceptance for everything that I did in my life. Little did I know that it was something that will never come my way. On the other hand, I failed to realize that I had started losing a piece of myself every time I let others rule my life for me. It was a journey that spiraled downwards- a journey of self-loathing- which ended with me demeaning myself. I desperately wanted people to acknowledge and appreciate me, but all they did was push me further down into the dark abyss. I hopelessly clung to people, wanting them to stay in my life as if my whole world revolved around them. But people left, friends backstabbed, and I was taken advantage of. All that left me a bitter taste in my mouth. I didn’t want to live life that way anymore.

Gradually, my life changed. Understanding dawned upon me and I strived hard to overcome my fears. I took control of my mind and my thoughts and fought the devils within. I learnt to speak up for myself, to trust my choices and decisions, and tackle all problems head-on. I stopped begging people to stay in my life. I deserved freedom from all the pain and suffering. I learnt to control my emotions so that people couldn’t take advantage of me. In a way, I became selfish. I believed that all people in the world were same, and that they all wanted to hurt me. I was determined to climb up the ladder only so that I could get out of their reach. I started hating people.

You think it was easy? No, not the least bit. I had to lose something for every change I underwent. I had to sacrifice my childhood to become mature. I had to stand up against my family to voice my opinions and beliefs; I had to go against the values and teachings that they had imparted to me right from my childhood. It took me years of mental and emotional strain to change myself. From the cheerful, innocent girl who lived a happy-go life, I became a mature teenager with tons of responsibilities and the burden of life. I lost the innocent, young me. I became emotionless. I stopped trusting people. I stopped believing in love and relationships. I learnt to wear a mask when interacting with people around so that I remained a mystery to them. I concocted stories so that they remained ignorant of my past. I was afraid to talk to people I wasn’t familiar with. I was afraid to mingle with my peers and always searched for a way out. Crowds started suffocating me. I envied people who lived a life filled with fun, love and happiness. At times, I became the one to hurt others. I have been rude to people. Little did I know that the drastic change in my character would only drive me insane! I was yet to realize that in the spectrum of life, all I had done was to drive myself from one extreme to the other. Though in many ways I believe I had become a better version of myself, I still had a long way to go before I realized the importance of striking a balance in life.

The journey to attain stability in my life has been a long one, but worth the effort! It has been a change for the better. I have learnt to mellow down a bit, to take what life has to give me, with my arms outstretched. I have decided to live life to the fullest, so that tomorrow I’ll have no regrets. Just the thought of it scares me. But, I’ll keep trying harder to break the barriers I had constructed around myself long ago. I accept people the way they are, giving my 100% to all relationships. If somebody is not meant to be in my life any longer, I’ll accept it even if it is going to hurt me. Because life will get better and the heart will heal with time. Even today I find it hard to forget the hurt inflicted on me by others. But I want to forgive them all, not because they are worthy of it, but because I deserve closure. I want to overcome all my fears. I want to live life like there is no tomorrow. I don’t want to remain stuck in my past. Instead I want to focus on my present and plan for my future. I want to turn my dreams into realities. I want to reach out to as many people as I can. I am determined to keep aiming higher and keep getting better so that one day I can look back at what I did and be proud of myself. So that someday, I can inspire someone. :)

I am glad that I have been to both extremities in life and yet have had a chance- A chance to live life to the fullest, accepting myself and the world for what we are. Moreover, I am thankful that all this happened before I turned 20 because I still have so many years left to enjoy life the way it must be enjoyed! Not everyone gets a second chance, so I’ll make sure that I take full advantage of what I have. I aim to make the world better. Ohh no! Did I say that again? Well let me tell you, you cannot change the world but you don’t have to do that anyway. You focus on changing yourself, one thought and one person; then very soon the world will be a better place to live in!

Remember to love yourself because nobody else can love you that much. Make yourself the center of your universe. Do everything that you have always craved for, in life. Go to that movie you wanted to watch, travel the world, mingle with people, make friends, fall in love, get your heart broken (don’t you worry, your heart knows to heal itself!), eat your favorite junk food, hit the gym, play pranks, read books, write poems, maintain a diary, keep secrets… Ohh, the list just won’t end! Don’t let the world define beauty to you. Beauty doesn’t depend on your caste, creed, religion, color, gender, the language you speak, your sense of dressing, or the make-up you wear. Beauty lies in the soul. Every person is beautiful in this world; it just takes another beautiful person to recognize them!

I write this note to bare a piece of my soul, to reveal a part of my life; not to garner sympathy and pity or to gather criticism, but to reach out to millions of other people, who like me, are either struggling in their lives or have already traversed the road to self-discovery!

Happy living! :)

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