Day 10: I would appreciate it if...

Did that one friend of yours cancel plans again complaining of pain or fatigue and make you mad? Did you notice a colleague going on leave for 2-3 consecutive days every month and you think that it is unfair? Did you tell them they don't look sick, or that others have it much worse than them? If you did these or one of a hundred other things, there's a chance that you were unnecessarily hard on someone who could have really used your support. And it would mean the world to them if you were more empathetic of their condition. But it is often hard to understand what endo warriors and others with chronic illnesses are going through if they don't open up. So here are some of the thoughts that go through the mind of this endo warrior, with the hope that someone might find it useful:

1. I am sorry for canceling... again

We finally put together a plan to meet after months! I am as excited as you are! But I want you to know that there's a chance I might wake up that morning with such crippling pain that all I might be capable of thinking would be a too hot heat-pack on my stomach, a hot bath, or just sleep. So I want to apologize in advance for canceling again. I know how frustrated you might be feeling, and you definitely have the right to. But I would appreciate it if you could take a moment to think about how frustrating life would be for me not knowing if the next day was going to be a good day or a bad one, not knowing how many more people I was going to let down in my life.

2. I am not complaining because I want your attention, sympathy, or pity

Do you remember how good it felt after venting out your frustration to a friend or a family member after a tough day at work? Things work the same way for us. The only difference is that living with a chronic illness gives us more things to feel stressed about, which means we might vent more often. So the next time I am telling you about my day or what I am going through, please try to not zone out or change the topic because you think I am being an attention-seeker. Please don't look at me with sympathy and pity because that is just not what I am looking for. All I want is to be heard, to feel like I can share my troubles with someone. At times I might choke up while I talk and sound like a broken record, but that is only because of the emotional toll endometriosis is taking on my life. I would really appreciate it if you could just listen, hold me tight, or give me a hug!

3. Just because I don't "look" sick doesn't meet I am not

I know that's not what they had in mind when they said "Don't judge a book by its cover". But it is pretty much the same thing. Please don't judge me or the trauma that I am going through based on what you can see. Dealing with a chronic illness like endometriosis has made me capable enough of living with a smile plastered on my face as my insides are waging a war against me. Your judgment and hateful commentary only add to my feelings of guilt and embarrassment that I am constantly trying to fight. So I would appreciate it if you could please suspend your judgment until you have a complete understanding of my condition.

4. Please don't tell me people have it worse, or that I should look at the brighter side

Do you think I am not aware of the fact that there are people out there who have it worse than me? If not, why would you think it is a good idea for me to have a constant reminder? Please don't tell me that I should look at the brighter side because there isn't one. Trust me, I have checked. Don't tell me I am lucky to not have it as bad as others because you just cannot compare and weigh misfortune on a scale. So next time I am emotional, I would appreciate it if you do not invalidate my feelings or make me feel guilty about being upset.

5. If you have questions, I am willing to answer them

To some of you, my story is new even though you might have known me for all or most of my life. For some others, maybe just a few weeks or months. Ever since I started sharing my story earlier this month I have had a lot of people reach out hesitantly with questions, unsure if it was okay to ask me about it. So I want you to know this: no matter how long or how well we have known each other, I will always be willing to respond if you have questions. I would appreciate it if instead of hesitating or shying away, you showed the courage to have an open conversation with me about the topic.

6. Know that I appreciate you 

Many people have chosen to walk out of my life or to cut off ties with me because they refused to understand what it means to live life with a chronic illness, and what it takes to support someone who is chronically ill. But if you are one of the people who stayed, I know you are trying and that is what matters the most to me. It is often overwhelming for us to get a diagnosis, and to learn to accept the facts and come to terms with living life this way that we often forget that it can be equally hard for our family and friends to have to try and adjust to our new normal. I know that sometimes you end up putting in more effort to give me the support I need and to keep our relationship alive. So I want you to know that your support is invaluable and you are very much appreciated.

#EndoTheStigma


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