Day 4: A rollercoaster ride away from home

"All was black, gloomy and awful.
There was no light at the end of the tunnel - or if there was, it was an oncoming train." 

This quote by author Terry Pratchett aptly summarizes the 11 years of my life before I was diagnosed with the chronic illness called endometriosis. Back home in India, having lost all hopes I tried to learn how to live life with the constant pain and fatigue. On days when the pain was really bad I would just stay home and not attend school or college. The comfort of my home, my bed, and my family somehow gave me the strength to lay down and wait for the storm to pass. But on days when I was out of home and my periods unexpectedly decided to show up, all I could do was sit in class squeezing the life out of my lower abdomen, waiting for the lecture to get over so that I could sprint back home. It was a routine I had started getting used to. While I always knew that some day soon I was going to travel halfway across the globe to pursue my dreams, I had never anticipated how much the stress of this new chapter in my life would affect me and my illness.

I was on cloud nine when I landed in Atlanta, GA in August 2017 to pursue my Masters at GeorgiaTech (GT). I had found myself everything I thought I needed - an apartment, a flatmate and a group of close friends. I was excited to be living independently for the first time in my life. I was determined to do well at grad school and graduate with flying colors. But as things moved forward, I realized that it was no cakewalk. While most grad schools considered 3 courses per semester as a full courseload, GT required us to enroll for 4 courses. As if the pressure associated with the assignments and exams of these 4 courses weren't enough, there was always a constant peer pressure to get amazing internships and full-time offers. But life was no longer just about attending classes. As an adult living by myself for the very first time I was also learning how to cook, do my daily chores, manage my financials, pay my taxes, and a thousand other things. There were days when I had no time to eat, or to sleep more than 4 hours each night. For someone with anxiety, these little things bundled up to form a huge ball of stress that I couldn't handle. What seemed like a glamorous life in a foreign land to others was hell to me. I woke up every morning to fight the very same demons that left me so tired the night before. But I wouldn't tell this to most people because it is hard to admit that you are not as strong as everyone believes you to be.

Naturally, it took a toll on my physical health. I remember countless days when I sat through lectures from morning to evening staring down at the floor as uncontrollable tears streamed down my face while the world around me stayed oblivious to my ordeal. At the end of the day I would rush back home, collapse on my bed and bawl like a baby. When there came a time that I couldn't handle it any longer, I tried getting an appointment at our student health services department only to be told that the earliest available slot was a month away. I cried and pleaded, and was allowed to meet a Nurse Practitioner a week later. After listening to what I had to say, she said "stress usually causes people to have bad periods. Just wait till you graduate and you will be fine." Being on student health insurance that hardly covered anything, I couldn't insist on getting tests or imaging done.

Life was just so hard, and I couldn't cope up with all the stress. I often ended up calling up my mom or grandma and breaking down. I can't imagine the number of times I called them up to say I wanted to quit and go back home. They always heard me out, but still encouraged me to keep going because they believed in me and my abilities. Knowing that they were just a phone call away even if miles apart, I have troubled them with SOS calls at the weirdest hours. To this day I wonder how someone could have had so much patience to deal with me and my situation for 1.5 years. Life as a grad student for me was a rollercoaster ride, and these two were like my safety harnesses. And that if nothing else will always be the reason why to me these two will always be my superstars ♥️. So in December of 2018 when I was finally graduating there was nobody I wanted more than my favorite humans to be by my side because both- the struggles and the victory, were as much theirs as they were mine!

     

This post today isn't a lot about endometriosis itself, but it is my memoir about one of the hardest times of my life that I had to face while battling endometriosis. While I am using this opportunity to give a shoutout to my mom and grandma, my hope is for this blog to serve as an example of how far acts of love, kindness and encouragement can go. People like me might find certain things in life to be hard that others don't, but we can still weather through the storm with the right kind of support. So the next time you see someone struggling, I hope in my heart that yours will be the hand that will lift them up among a sea of hands trying to pull them down.

#EndoTheStigma

Pic credit:

1) @theendojournal