Day 6: When jigsaw pieces started falling together into place

 Sometimes when things are falling apart, they may be actually falling into place!

After my first visit to Dr. M's office, I had more than a dozen blood tests done. When the results came back, she was able to confirm that I had PCOS and that my hormone levels were greatly imbalanced. We also found that I have insulin resistance (a condition that leads to high glucose levels) due to my PCOS which puts me at a higher risk for pre-diabetes and type 2 diabetes. To manage this, I was put on Metformin. I was also asked to cut down on carb-high foods and sugar to manage my PCOS and insulin resistance. I tried this new regime for about a month, and neither did my physical health improve, nor was there a decrease in the amount of pain I had to endure around my menses. The only noticeable effects at the end of 30 days were that I was experiencing bloating, nausea, and mood swings due to the medication. I was also more hungry and cranky since I was trying to get used to a diet with as few carbs as possible.

At that point, Dr. M suggested I get an ultrasound done. This ultrasound revealed that I had cysts on my ovaries that seemed a little complex. Since sometimes cysts do go away on their own without any outside interference, she wanted to wait and monitor their growth. For the next 3 months, my life was all about logging my symptoms and going in for an ultrasound after every cycle to track the progress of the cysts. To our disappointment, Dr. M suspected that there was a chocolate cyst that kept growing over the quarter. Chocolate cysts are noncancerous, fluid-filled cysts that typically form deep within the ovaries. They get their name from their brown, tar-like appearance, looking something like melted chocolate which actually comes from old menstrual blood and tissue that fills the cavity of the cyst. They’re also called ovarian endometriomas. Dr. M was concerned by the growth rate of my cyst, and she asked me to get an MRI done to confirm her suspicion. I was initially hesitant to get an MRI done when I was informed about the out-of-pocket costs. But in the end, my family and doctors succeeded in convincing me that money isn't more important than my health. So I finally booked an appointment for my MRI scan.

Pic credit: The Sickly Mama

I am not really claustrophobic, but the idea of going in for an MRI procedure all by myself for the first time in my life seemed scary. I felt grateful to have flatmates and colleagues who offered to accompany me to the procedure for moral support. On the day of the scan, I went into the hospital with my flatmate and nervously waited to be called for the procedure. Once I was taken inside, I started feeling my anxiety kick in as I looked at the big, cold room with the tunnel-like MRI machine in the middle. To get a better understanding of my condition, Dr. M had ordered scans with and without contrast. This meant that I had to be inside the tube for about 45-60 mins. I had tried my best to stay informed about the environment and the procedure from online articles, but once I was inside the tube I realized that none of it was enough to calm my nerves. Even before I was completely inside the tube I noticed the first signs of my panic attack - I was feeling fearful, my palms were sweating in a room set to a freezing temperature, I was feeling giddy, and my heart was pounding rapidly against my chest. When they slide you into the tube, they ask you to lay still for the imaging. If you have ever had a panic attack, you would know that this is the hardest thing to do. It also didn't help that I wasn't prepared for the constant loud noises that the MRI machine makes during the process which to me sounded like gunshots. I tried my best to calm myself down unsuccessfully as I felt tears stream down my face. All I wanted to do at that moment was to get up and run from the room, and it took all the courage I could muster to stay on for a good part of the hour. Halfway through the procedure, I was brought out of the tube so that they could inject a gadolinium-based contrast agent before sliding me back in. This is a dye that is injected into your bloodstream to improve the visibility of inflammation, tumors, and cysts. While the debate over its toxicity continues, patients are informed before the procedure about the side effects - nausea, headaches, and dizziness. They also ask you to drink plenty of water in the 24 hours following the procedure to flush the gadolinium out of your system.

I was a mess by the end of the procedure and took a good 15 mins to calm myself down and put on a straight face before walking out. Even in a vulnerable moment, I felt like I had to put up a brave front and not let people know that I was affected, let alone how much. The wait for the results after the MRI was extremely painful. I think that is when I finally understood the meaning of the phrase 'sitting on pins and needles'. To lighten up my mood and take my mind off of things, my flatmates decided that we should go out for a party that night. But as luck might have it, the reports came in just an hour before we were to leave, and it wasn't good news. The reports not only confirmed Dr. M's suspicions of chocolate cysts, endometriosis, and adenomyosis but also informed us of uterine fibroids. I remember how I broke down for the first time in front of my flatmates even before I had finished reading the entire report. My hopes were squashed and I felt defeated at that moment knowing that I was diagnosed with multiple conditions that the medical community knew no cure for. The next few weeks were a tough phase for me as I struggled to convey the severity of the diagnosis and my fear to family and friends. Some responded with "Ohh my! How many conditions do you have girl?" while others said "Don't worry, it will all go away and you will feel better". All I wanted to do when I heard that was scream back "I didn't bring any of this upon myself. And no, none of this is going to stop. So please stop making false promises for they are only hurting me more!"

The journey from then to now has been fulls of ups and downs. I have learnt to not seek acceptance in everyone I share my story with. I have also learnt that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger!

#EndoTheStigma